Finding My Altruism

Pretty posies at the U.S. Botanical Gardens

David Brooks' column from a few weeks ago discusses (developed, often Western world) service in the developing world. Nothing he says is something I haven't heard before. But he describes his view of "useful" foreign aid succinctly and accurately and with poignant, relevant examples of young people serving humbly without any expectations. I don't always agree with Brooks but every so often, he puts into words exactly what I feel about things. His view seems very grounded in reality.

I think about service every day. The premise of my alma mater, Boston College, was "men and women for others." I shaped much of my undergraduate experience around this premise. I focused my coursework towards international studies, wanting to inform my worldview.  My years since have been peppered with volunteering - mentoring, tutoring, Habitat for Humanity. I don't feel like I am truly living unless I am serving others in some context outside of the realm of my for-profit professional activities (in other words, my job).

Several of my friends have accomplished full-time service experiences - Peace Corps, Americorps, and other non-governmental programs. I think about doing the same every day.  I have come so close to so many different service experiences over the years.  And the fact that I haven't really does weigh on me. I have a completed Peace Corps application just sitting there, waiting (I finished it the day I got the call regarding my current job in Washington).  An offer to teach with the New York Teaching Fellows came last year after I want through the entire interview process (it was the exact opposite of the placement I wanted, so I refused on the basis that it would not be fair to the students or me to take this assignment).

In really thinking about why I haven't actually taken the plunge to do the service abroad or just a full-on service experience, I realize that perhaps I am not completely built for the experiences I have encountered thus far. I don't think I have the chops to be totally isolated in a foreign land for an extended period of time, to be parted from my family, friends, and culture for over 2 years. I really don't. But oh, how I wish I did.

I think perhaps I am better serving here in the U.S., where there is a great need. I think we often forget this fact, being so focused (and rightly so) on the developing world across the oceans. There's a lot of need here - our country is kind of in trouble in terms of slipping standards of living and education statistics.  I have had rich service experiences here. Lately I have been thinking about being a teacher (following in the footsteps of my incomparable, ever-talented mother). Because I cannot sit at desk and computer for 8 hours a day for the rest of my life. I just cannot. I need people. I need connection. The best experience was working as a literacy aide in the Boston Public Schools during college.  I need to feel like I am working toward something positive. I just have not felt that in any of my jobs thus far. I know this possible career choice means less glamour and a smaller paycheck, but that's not a bad thing. For I think, in the end, I value the preservation of my spirit over the thickness of my pocketbook.

The Mysterious Allure of a Full Skirt

I have fancied a full circle skirt à la 1950s and 60s style for some time, and recently procured such a skirt from that fabulous online emporium, Etsy. The vintage skirt -- quilted black material with gold threads embroidered in a subtle, swirly design -- arrived last week to my delight.

After getting it dry cleaned, I chose to wear the skirt to work yesterday with a black turtleneck, black tights, and black heels. The only pops of color were the gold in the skirt and the gold locket around my neck. I must admit to feeling quite the sophisticate, something out Desk Set or, dare I use the common reference, Mad Men.

It was a cold, rain-filled day -- perfect for such an outfit that had considerably more coverage than most due to the fact that the only skin to be seen was my face and hands. My shirt was somewhat form fitting but not in a provocative way.

This is all to preface a most bizarre, yet not unpleasant experience that I cannot disassociate with this skirt. Yesterday I have never received more stares from men passing in the halls or "good morning, ma'ms."

One gentleman stopped me in the hall to say, "Ma'am, I hope this doesn't get taken the wrong way, but you are absolutely beautiful." Absolutely beautiful. I have to linger on that comment for a moment because I have never received such a compliment before.

Okay, now before you think, "Um, that is totally creepy and gross."  I have to say that I wasn't at all offended by this attention (especially because for once a man paying attention to me wasn't super old). Should I be offended? I've had offensive things said to me in the workplace before, and mostly in relation to my appearance. Those times I remember being was offended. But somehow, yesterday, I was amused and fascinated by the fact that I was receiving so much attention and that is was somehow related to this skirt.

Later in the day, a couple of guys in my office made jokes and references to my skirt -- one said it looked like a comforter, while another said it looked like curtains. In the context of their joking, again, I wasn't really offended because a) I am tough and b) the frequency and focus of their comments regarding my skirt suggested their fascination with it. One would think a particularly tight pencil skirt would draw more attention than a full skirt that betrays no hint of my body shape underneath. But perhaps, it was the full and total mystery of the shape that intrigued the men (for it was mostly men commenting, besides one female coworker who said "cute skirt!").

Instead of becoming incensed over the somewhat chauvinistic focus on my skirt, I just found it so interesting. Men conjuring up ways to bring my skirt into the conversation. It felt so silly.

Instead of getting mad, I just made jokes right along with them -- better jokes à la Tina Fey's method of mastering how to work successfully in a man's world, which is sometimes how I feel these days.

Woman Making the World Better

This week, TED put together a collection of their talks revolving around women's roles in the world.  I love the idea of TED - some of the smartest, most compassionate people spreading their message in 20 minute videos.  My mind is on somewhat of a rampage these days as it tries to figure out its purpose in the hopes that the final result will be meaningful to something bigger than myself. Below are some of my favorite talks, given by passionate women who are making the world a better place.





Sheryl WuDunn, co-author of Half the Sky (with husband Nicholas Kristof), takes about how half the world's women are missing due to discrimination in many cultures. She cites examples of how several women have overcome the prejudice of their society to see success and happiness. She also points out the importance of giving to something bigger than yourself - the responsibility to think in a global context.




Emily Pilloton is a graphic designer who founded Project H Design, a nonprofit design firm that helps people who might not normally have access to design services. Since becoming more involved in the design world, through blogging, I have often wondered how to mesh the beauty of a design technique with a humanitarian cause. Emily has done just this in the North Carolina. In impoverished, fading Bertie County, Emily and her partner Matt incorporated design elements into languishing schools, which has produced happier, more successful students. They have also worked with the county to design a message and look that will engage the community more and hopefully boost productivity and development in the area. She's doing good work and seeing the benefits as the result of her labors. An intriguing case study for the creative, compassionate soul.



Kavita Ramdas of The Global Fund for Women talks about providing aid to women, while also keeping in mind the traditions of their culture. This is crucial to any aid or humanitarian intervention. Paul Farmer knows this. James Orbinski (author of An Imperfect Offering - such a good read about humanitarian intervention) understands. And yet, so many aid organizations offer without any consideration of the cultural context. Ramdas does a good job of touching on this and sharing some poignant stories.



And then there's Jane Goodall. The woman was a secretary in England who was always passionate about chimpanzees. So, on the advice of a friend, she telephoned the Kenyon paleontologist Louis Leakey to set up an appointment to discuss his research.  Leakey was planning to study chimpanzees and great apes so he hired Jane as a secretary and later sent her to Tanzania. The rest is history. Jane is just charming in this video - intelligent, humble, and informative. A must-watch.

Social

It's funny, this social media business. It preaches about getting us all "more connected" and I think there is this illusion that this connection is real. I mean, I sit on gchat all day, watching the red and green orbs of my friends blink on and off as they come and go. I can talk to my friends and family anytime, all day. I can "skype" with one of my best friends in Cambodia, talking with her like we are kicking back in the same room. Social media pervades our lives and our verbs. I google things. I facebook people. I skype with friends. It is surely an ubiquitous force.

And yet, I think I feel less connected and more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life.

Certainly, this feeling could indeed be perpetuated by a number of other factors. But, I find it interesting that social media tools do not really ease the burden of loneliness for me. In typing words to a friend and receiving their response, I find myself missing something: tone. Tone and that organic, human-y sense of feeling the presence of the person. Even if you can't be with that person, say you receive a handwritten letter from them - seeing the curvature of their hand and the bit of their morning tea spilled on the page - you see traces of them and somehow it seems more real.

The lack of tone really gets us in trouble. People are slighted even when the sender of the message did not intend a slight. I feel as though I have to fill my typed messages with exclamation points so as to assure the other person of my elevated mood. The exclamation point never had it so good.

I remember a time when work and life felt simple and less complicated. I wasn't tied to my computer and iPhone as I admit to being now. The age of multitasking. The age of interruption and not feeling truly accomplished because I have too many tabs in my browser. This "hyper connectivity" raises the expectation for gratification around connectedness. Twitter and Facebook tells us we are more connected than ever, so we want that feeling. Oh, we want it so badly. And, at least for me, it doesn't ever quite arrives.

I recently read this New Yorker article written by that intellectual zealot Malcolm Gladwell. His thesis seems to be along the same lines as mine - Twitter and Facebook are not making us deeper (he more pointedly says that we mistake certain types of activism . In fact, they are making us weaker. Things are easier and faster without any of the attributed meaning. Social media tools are making us more superficial. During the Iranian riots, people (including the US government) touted Twitter as the mouthpiece of revolution. But Gladwell argues that journalists merely scanned through tweets tagged in English but um, don't you think that most Iranians would tweet in Farsi? Baleh (Yes).

In fact, I think social media is the worst thing for journalism. Gladwell cites journalists who retrieved "facts" for their stories on the Iranian protests via tweets. And mostly English language tweets. Um. Fact checking anyone?  A recent article linked to CNN, the author merely reads blog posts from Dooce and constructs an entire narrative against mothers blogging about their children. Um, did the author even think to pick up the phone and get Heather Hamilton's actual opinion or perspectives from other mommy bloggers? No, because the "information" was right there. But was it really there? Not in a form that was immediately ready for repurpose in an article published by a trusted news source.

I could go on and on about the strangeness of social media. I'm sure I am not alone with this ups and downs feeling. And it's not all bad. It's enabled more people to flex their creative muscle (i.e. blogging) and stay in touch. My concern is the quality of that staying in touch. Despite my hesitation, I do feel that through this blog and through reading other blogs, I have encountered some true kindred spirits.  But part of me feels something missing - I have never having actually met any of these wonderful people. Perhaps someday. Then maybe, it will all feel more real to me and I won't feeling this small gap in the space of our connection.

And for now, I live quietly at what feels like shore of this vast, bizarre, pretty world of all things social.

Mondays Are For Media Maladies

So now I think maybe New York City is in the cards for me. I feel like a swinging pendulum with equal momentum in both directions - Washington, New York, Washington, New York. If only something would spring forth to pull me closer to one.

NYC is all things international this week with the convening of the United Nations General Assembly, Climate Week, and the Clinton Global Initiative (CGI). I perused several news sites today and noticed something: Former President Bill Clinton was getting a lot of press for CGI - it has been touted as the new United Nations for the level of effectiveness in resolving international disputes and crises.

Amidst all this lauding, however, Secretary of State Hilary Clinton received minimal press, even after her excellent negotiating skills a few weeks ago with the Israeli/Palestinian talks. It was as if Big Bad Bill came on the scene with his media-making presence and blew away her credibility (okay, a bit strong, but read on).

Then I came across one of the most ridiculous and sexist news clippings I have ever seen. The Huffington Post headline: "Hilary Revives the Hair Clip". In the article, the author debates whether Clinton wearing a hair clip to the United Nations was appropriate or "too casual". Um, excuse me? Who cares what she's wearing?! The woman has proved her foreign relations chops and salience in one of the highest positions of power in the world. She can wear ten clips in her hair and I would be more interested in what she had to say about the detiorating situation in Sudan. I just find it so darn intriguing how Clinton the husband is lauded for work of his incredible organization (and it is a marvel) and Clinton the wife is covered for the way she decided to wear her hair.

The Weekly Marginalian (Ep. I: Journalism Meets Katharine Hepburn)

Friends! I bring you the first episode of "The Weekly Marginalian." After a few takes, I offer you the final product. It is still a tad rougher than I would like, but a honest attempt to provide my thinking through a new medium. I will also qualify the podcast by begging your pardon for using a clip from Saturday Night Live's most recent parody of NPR - it's not for the squeamish!

This first episode introduces the premise of the podcast and then divulges my feelings for public radio journalism. And believe me, I have very strong feelings! I end the podcast with a tribute to my favorite actress, Katharine Hepburn. I hope enjoy my first attempt at podcasting! Also, please give me any feedback about the program as I am always looking for ways to make it better!

Image found here.

A Woman's View of Afghanistan

The evening before the ninth anniversary of September 11th,  I attended a talk given by American photojournalist, Paula Lerner, who discussed the lives of Afghan women today. Lerner has collaborated with The Globe and Mail's (an excellent news source) Jessica Leeder to produce a series of multimedia presentations called Behind the Veil, a look into the experience of being a women in Afghanistan.  I highly recommend checking out all the website has to offer: vibrant interviews and on-the-ground knowledge of the current Afghan situation from the view of the women, who I believe are the most affected by the strife currently plaguing a country that has so captivated the Western world.

During her talk, Lerner spoke about her travels to Afghanistan and what it is like to be an American female freelance journalist reporting from one of the most dangerous places in the world.

Things I learned/realized from this talk:

• Due to Islamic customs, Afghan women are not allowed to be in the presence of men who are not their family members, therefore male journalists cannot report the stories of these women. Therefore, it is only the female journalist who can tell the story of the Afghan woman, which signifies the incredible importance of training intelligent, compassionate female journalists and sending them safely to places such as Afghanistan to tell the underreported stories of groups whose story might be missed due to local laws and mores.
• Security is at an all-time low in Afghanistan - the epicenter of danger residing in Kandahar. Kabul is relatively safer place, so Lerner has done most of her reporting there. The fact that the Behind the Veil takes place in Kandahar makes it all the more fascinating that a Western female journalist was able to report these stories of women who were brave enough to risk their lives for the interview.
• Despite the strict Sharia customs, Afghan women have found ways to make a living, mostly by sewing or beekeeping, both of which can be done at home and do not cut into the industries of men. An example of this is Kandahar Treasure, a soon-to-be online marketplace that sells the wares of Afghan women working to support their families. Their income means protection for themselves and also for their daughters. Young girls are married off when their family needs money. Additional income earned by Afghan women mean that Afghan daughters may have more time to be little girls. 

Much of the conversation after Lerner's talk centered around gender issues, and many people decried the chauvinistic, oppressive nature of Afghan men. On this point, I take issue about the often superficial level of criticism. I do not believe that berating the male gender will solve any problem (in fact, it may exacerbate the issue). Most areas in Afghanistan where Sharia law is strictly enforced are controlled by the Taliban, a select group of male extremists who instill fear through display of menace and force. An entire group should not be condemned for the actions of a few members. In fact, many Afghan men support the liberation and rights of women but might be killed if they voiced/showed their opinions too loudly. The situation for Afghan women is not black and white but rather a rare grey color not unlike the veil worn by a Kandahari woman as she discreetly makes her way down the street.

Photo credit: Paula Lerner 

A New Leaf

It's been a while, my dear friends. I've been trying to keep up with your lovely blog spaces but as for The Marginalian, I have been uninspired and unsure about where take my little space of Internet real estate.  I started The Marginalian to practice my writing and then it turned into a sometimes space of design inspiration and musings on my life. In the end, however, most of my posts felt like inferior copies of another blogger's genius.

So, I am going to reign in the focus of this space. I want it to be a more about the issues and topics that interest me: international affairs, politics, the inclusivity of women and minorities in security matters, gender roles, living in the twenty-first century, and perhaps a cultural review or two of some notable films, books, and music albums.   There will be a dash of personal here and there but I hope that the space will become more about my thinking and less about my doing.

I will also be starting down the path of podcasting and audio production by creating "The Weekly Marginalian," a short program of commentary and audio clips of interest.

I hope the few of you who frequent my space will continue to visit because I so enjoy the conversation!

Wishing all who read this a joyous September day!

Taken by me in 2006, the image above is the view of Bath, England, from one of the seven surrounding hills. This is my most favorite spot in the entire world.

The Land of Golden Chariots

I watched The Happiest Millionaire (1967) the other night, remembering those summer evenings from my childhood doing the exact same thing - lying in front of TV with a bowl of ice cream and watching an old movie, nothing in the days before me but swimming and riding my bike around the neighborhood. One of the songs from the Disney musical is "Detroit," which praises the city as the "land of golden chariots" and the promise of a new American future in automobile manufacturing. The movie takes places in the early 1900s, so it makes sense that there would be much anticipation over this Michigan city.

However, I could not help but reflect sadly on the irony of this song in the context of today's Detroit. If you are not already aware, Detroit has become one of the worst cities to live in the country - overrun by high crime and depressed real estate and job markets. Oh, how the mighty has fallen. We are at a critical point in the US. We are so far behind much of the world in terms of innovation and sustainable development. For a view into how we compare to other places in terms of our transportation infrastructure, read this article by The New York Times' Thomas Friedman. We need to make some changes and improve our nation's infrastructure. This article suggests putting more resources into our public transportation system instead increasing the number of automobiles that our world will eventually be unable to sustain. Coming from someone who rides a packed and dilapidated subway system each day, I wholeheartedly agree. What we need - and I think we are developing - is the kind of enthusiasm in the video clip below for innovation and a new way of (sustainable) living.

The "Why" of Your Ideas

TED is such an incredible thing. This conference on Technology, Entertainment, and Design is a teeny, tiny non-profit that pulls in the best minds our society has to offer. If TED was a man, I'd marry him in an instant. I like to feature videos here that resonate with me and today's video is one with Simon Sinek, ethnographer and leadership strategist, who talks about developing leadership. He holds that the first thing leaders should ask is "why?"

His main thesis is that, "People don't buy what you do, they buy why you do it." For instance, Apple Computers is the leader of the technology pack because they market their products with the message that they want to challenge the status quo by selling sleek, simple, easy-to-use products. This is their "why" and it obviously works.

Coinciding with this talk, I have been thinking a lot lately about my "purpose," as I am sure many do. I ask myself: why do I want to do what I do? Knowing this answer makes me feel more fulfilled and more competent in my work, especially when prompted by others to account for my career choices.

What you do is the proof of what you believe. I don't know if lately I've had an epiphany, but perhaps just a gradual enlightenment/acceptance of the fact that I: a) love to write, b) am fairly good at writing when I apply myself, and c) believe that, despite all the naysayers and current lack of a business model, journalism serves a critical role in our society. Journalism is a public service and I want to be a part of reporting news that can educate the general public on what's happening in our world. This is my why.

I would like to foster an active journalism (action journalism? not sure about the name yet), one that inspires people to actions that makes the world a better place. When people are educated, and hopefully, inspired, they are more likely to act and be effective in those actions. This is crucial and we have to sustain our balanced news sources in any way we can.

Thinking about this type of journalism, I am full of energy, passion, and a sense of purpose. It feels so right to me. There's a lot of risk in pursuing this career, but when you feel something like this - especially after years of a living in a purposeless void - you can't ignore it.

If you have a feeling like this for something that you do/believe, own it and spread the belief. As Sinek says, there is no greater way to effect change then to sell the why of your beliefs.

Mauvaise Eau

I have always assumed that access to clean, safe water will always be an option for someone like me who lives in a developed country. Au contraire. Over the weekend, Boston and several surrounding communities lost their supply of fresh water when a main pipe that funnels waters to these locations broke. Until further notice, we have to boil any tap water for at least a minute before consuming as the water now coming through our faucets is from open- air reservoirs, homes to geese and ducks who are not really particular about where they relieve themselves...yeah. I discovered the situation by checking Twitter after downing two large glasses of tap water. I had a minor freak-out but determined that the water I had drunk was not part of the pond cocktail now flowing from my faucet.

The run on bottled water in local stores and the unseasonably warm weather of last weekend prompted some to label this this "aquapocalypse." Which is both funny and a tad over dramatic. I mean, seriously, there are over a billion people in this world who don't have access to clean water. These people bathe in and drink water contaminated by animal and human feces as well as a myriad of other contaminants. As inconvenient as this water situation is, it's so very temporary and the water that we are currently using is 10 times as better as the highest quality water found in developing countries.

In 2005, the United Nations estimated that 1.1 billion people did not have access to clean water and 2.6 billion people lacked access to basic sanitation. The UN's Water for Life plan promotes efforts to fulfill international commitments made on water and water-related issues such as cutting the number of people without access to safe water in half by 2015. Progress has been slower since more donations and aid have been going towards health, education, transport, energy, and agriculture. However, it's argued that all these categories would see improvement if populations had access to clean drinking water and sanitary living conditions.

Beyond that first initial panic with the Boston water crisis, I feel grateful for the small conveniences afforded where I live. The clean water will soon return, but its absence opened my eyes to the value of clean water and the hundreds of millions who live every day without it.

Image found here.

A Prodigal Earth

Love the design of this image. It shows the connectivity of our Earth - people, creatures, plants, all living things. This is our space and we have to take care of it if we want it to last. Historically, humans have been so caught up in technological developments and improving society that we have lost sight of how thesedevelopments impact the world around us.

However, in the past 10 years or so, I feel like we are in a catalyzing period of environmental change and that gives me so much hope. As for myself, I try to do my best to have a modest carbon footprint through recycling, conserving electricity, and buying "already loved" items aka VINTAGE! Love it. Happy Earth Day!


Image found here.

An Eccentric Weekend

Sometimes you just need to let your crazy side come out. Or, rather your eccentric side as highlighted in this Vanity Fair article and slide show, a profile of some of the most eccentric characters in the British Isles. Above, is Grayson Perry, a West London artist, who is wearing a crinoline dress to accept the 2003 Turner Prize, which he won for his pottery work. Doesn't he look pretty? Hahaha.

Happy weekend to you all! May you bring out your crazy sides this weekend!

Image found here.

I May Be Your Leader Someday

Ms. Magazine Blog just posted a series of vintage postcards from the National American Women's Suffragette Association. The postcards were meant simplify the aims of the organization into a series of pithy one-liners. The 1916 postcard featured above is my favorite because of how cool and bossy this little girl appears in her stance and speech while the little boy seems shrunken and somewhat dumbfounded. She's telling him! Let me clarify, though, that I don't believe that suffrage rights or feminism should subordinate men in any way. I still find great humor in this postcard. I think this quote also included in the post, says it best:

"WOMAN should not condemn MAN because she has not the right of franchise–rather condemn parents for having trained their sons since the beginning of time, in the belief that MAN only is competent to vote."

That's right. Always blame the parents.

I cannot believe that women won the right to vote less than a hundred years ago. Ninety years to be exact (August 26, 1920). My grandmother lived in a time when women did not have the right to vote. There are still several countries today that restrict or qualify how women can vote. Most notably, Saudi Arabia, with whom the US has always maintained close ties despite the Middle Eastern country's subordination of women. Bhutan only allows one vote per household and in Lebanon only women with an elementary education are allowed to vote (there are no restrictions for men). For more information on global suffrage, see the CIA's World Factbook.

As for women leaders, we have made huge strides, but there is still a long road to traverse until we become equal contenders in the political arena, especially and, maybe surprisingly, in the First World. Sure, the US has Hilary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi as high-ranking officials and Germany has Angela Merkel as a president, but look at developing countries like Liberia with President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf or India's President Pratibha Patil. How is it possible that these places, where women often have less rights and opportunities, are able to elect women leaders so easily? I find it ironic firstly, but also, fascinating that these traditional cultures are so open-minded.

I don't believe in voting for a woman just because of her gender. I always vote for the individual regardless of their race and gender. In the 2008 presidential election, I did not feel that Hilary Clinton was the right person for the job in 2008. And while I am here, I will say that being a woman should NEVER give Sarah Palin the right to say the word "president" let alone ever consider running for that office (or any other office for that matter). Sarah Palin irks me to no end because she abuses her position of power and influence and just makes women look stupid (and I think she does this on purpose).

Several global organizations exist to promote the inclusion of women in politics, especially in developing countries. Once such program is run by the Hunt Alternatives Fund, the non-profit of Swanee Hunt, former Ambassador to Austria during the Clinton Administration, who has made an indelible mark in current international affairs. The Institute for Inclusive Security works to advocate for fair and just representation for all stakeholders in a nation, which often means supporting the role of women in politics in nations around the world.

In sum, I think the above postcard was ahead of its time and its architects would be proud of the progress around female leadership while still encouraging us to be even better, more assertive, and more accepting as we strive to make this world a better place for everyone.

What are your thoughts? Do we have more female leadership than we think? Or is there still a long way to go?

What's My Stake?

For the past three years, I have worked in the "corporate" world. Blerg. One of the terms that is often bandied in this place is "stakeholder." Essentially, the marketing endgame in the business world is to determine your stakeholders, find out what gets them excited, and sell that to them. Boom! You're done. Maybe there's more, but my interest stops there.

However, I got to thinking. A "stakeholder" is really just a gussied up term for someone who is passionate about something, or at the very least, cares a modicum about something. So then, for what I am a stakeholder? What are my passions? Honestly and sadly, I don't think about this often enough. And my mom is always asking me this question: What are your passions? It's a good question, mother.

In a separate conversation yesterday with my friend Emily, we discussed how society tells us what we "should" have versus what we actually have/want to have. If we're single, we should be dating. If we are dating, then we should get engaged. If we are engaged, then we should be planning a wedding to beat My Best Friend's Wedding. If we are married, we should have kids, etc. If we have a family, we should balance both career and family. Jessie of 20-Nothing's post on redefining a career woman discusses how she would choose career aspirations over a man who would make her choose between him and her career. Men in her post come off as being pretty black and white, and I am thinking that there are some guys out there who wouldn't make a woman choose. Those are the worthwhile ones. They make the true partners.

The buffet of "shoulds" we are fed in life never ends. I'm trying to remember the first time I genuinely thought about my wedding, probably around age fourteen when I saw Father of the Bride for the first time. I saw Annie Banks as "having it all," with her loving family, her career as an architect, married to a dashing businessman, the ideal wedding, and then the perfect little baby boy. That movie franchise represented the larger cultural expectations I think many of us face as women. And I've bought into it - started dreaming up what my wedding might look like, what I would do for a career, what charming man I might marry, and the cute kids we would have. But much of this is not real. Something we all know. But not something that we all believe.

Lately I am wondering whether any of the marriage/husband/kids package will actually happen. And do I even want all that? Sometimes I am not so sure. I am sure that I don't want to be fixated on just one set of things, especially material things. Dreams are all well and good, but dreams should be of my own making and not some expectations generated by the cultural machine. Do you ever feel like you are on this treadmill/timeline, one that doesn't really fit who you are?

Things will happen, for the good and for the bad, in their own time. I know this to be truth. But in practice, it's not always easy to accept that truth.

Right now I am just on the edge of feeling liberated from thinking that I should have certain things, that I should look a certain way, that I should have a certain type of personality. I feel like I have been living fake for a while now. Worried so much about what others think of me. Enough is enough.

Clearing away all that junk, I am a stakeholder of many things that I have either been afraid to want or was to distracted to know I wanted.

If I say them out loud and write them in this post, it makes them more real to me. It means I have to work towards them.

I want to be a writer. I started out with that idea in college and then somehow lost it. I want to write the kind of pieces that inform the public about stories that might otherwise go unnoticed by the mass media (think NPR's The Story with Dick Gordon - AMAZING). I believe in the power of fair and balanced journalism (yes, "fair and balanced" comes from the mantra of NPR and yes, a dream job has always been to work for NPR). I am a stakeholder in trying to find something as close to the truth as possible and presenting the facts to a wider audience. If we can educate the public on key issues, I think we can build a better society.

I want to be involved in international politics. My favorite course in college was Islamic Women's Writing. It opened my eyes to a vast, vibrant world and prompted me to minor in International Studies and learn the Arabic language (of which currently I have mostly and sadly forgotten). Fear, ignorance, and indifference prevent millions from appreciating all that the Muslim world has to offer. It is really so incredible. I wish to re-immerse myself in the Arabic language and the international political stage. I also love the idea of the United Nations - it has so much potential to be a incredible organization (if only certain countries would pay their dues on time and give fair play to other nations - *ahem* USA).

I want to be more creative. My current career track has an incredible gaping hole where my creativity once resided. Corporate life doesn't really allow for much of that - to its detriment, in my opinion. This blog has really re-inspired my creative self. But I want more. I want to learn about web and graphic design so that I can take this space in new directions of my own devices.

I want to have influence. Does this mean I have a power trip? No. This ties together all the items above because it means that I am using them to ideally make something good, something positive, maybe even something better than before. And something that is wholly outside myself - in the world. I would be affirming my "power," i.e. that place within yourself that you always want to change but which is really the most valuable thing about you.

I am thankful for the luxury to have the time and the space to consider where I stake my passions. We live in an extraordinary time of consciousness and opportunity. It's time that I started capitalizing on that opportunity to better myself and hopefully the world around me.

So now I ask you: what's your stake?

First-Class Wives

{Glenn Close and Christopher Walken in the film version of Sarah, Plain and Tall}

To this day, one of my favorite books is Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan (as well as its sequels, Skylark, Caleb's Story, and More Perfect Than the Moon). Jacob Whiting, a Kansas farmer and a widower with two children, places an advertisement in the paper for a "good, kind woman to share a life with a widower and his two children. To make a difference" Sarah Wheaton, a single woman living in Maine, answers the notice and travels to Kansas to see if she can make that difference. I always thought it was so romantic and courageous for Sarah to travel to a new land to marry a man she had never met.

Sarah's character is strong-willed, intelligent, independent - almost as though she didn't need to marry but wanted a change in her life so she chose to embark on this journey of her own accord. MacLachlan's writing is beautiful on the page in its honest simplicity. Across the series, a family forms and the bond between Sarah and Jacob is particularly compelling as is the relationship develops into an incredible love. Though it's a children's book, I highly recommend it to those who haven't read it. It's a reminder of simpler, sweeter times.

Though the book certainly conveys the struggles Sarah, Jacob, and his two children, Anna and Caleb (my favorite boy's name), have as they get to know each other, it really romanticizes the whole mail-order bride experience. I realized the other day how incredibly scary it must have been for a single woman to travel to a strange land to live with a man she has never met.

Mail-order brides have been glorified and parodied on the page and on the screen for decades. In The Harvey Girls (1946), Judy Garland's character arrives in Sandrock, New Mexico, to meet the "man of her dreams," with whom she found in a newspaper advertisement and began corresponding with letters. In the film, the "man of her dreams" actually turns out to be a dud, so she joins the Harvey Girls, a troupe of women who traveled out west to work for a chain of restaurants owned by the Fred Harvey Company in the late nineteenth century.

{Judy Garland in The Harvey Girls}

As much as I love both of these stories, they are romantic versions of a business that, while lucrative, can sometimes extremely scary (not to detract from these wonderful stories). In the 1800s and early 1900s, mail-order brides were often women who left highly developed areas to marry men in underdeveloped areas such as those pioneers forging a new life on the western frontier of the United States.

Today, the reverse is true. Women from underdeveloped countries are traveling to the developed world to marry established, successful men. In particular, mail-order bride companies from the Ukraine and Russia have seen a booming business exporting willing ladies to the West, including the United States and parts of Europe. While the majority of the mail-order brides enter legitimate, prosperous marriages, but there have been a number of human trafficking cases, instances of marital abuse, and situations where the women are brought to marry a man under false pretenses like Nika, who traveled to Canada from the Philippines to marry a man only to discover that she would be his fifth wife and would be beaten and severely abused.

{An ad against Filipina mail-order bride abuse}

In this case, Canada's marriage laws relating to immigrants are much less stringent and there is little regulation of these overseas marriage agencies. The US has a better record of regulation around mail-order bride abuses, but it still remains a questionable practice and means of relocation for women in underprivileged situations. But sometimes it may be a woman's only option. We think we have come so far with women's rights (although it has been only 90 years since we've earned the right to vote in the US, a fact that still shocks me). Then we realize that the majority of the world's women still suffer in cultures who have either removed their rights or limit them so much that they are forced to marry men who may do more harm to them than good.

Images found here, here, and here.

The Power of the D

Vitamin D can change your life. Seriously, I've never felt healthier and in particular, my hair is like out-of-this-world shiny and smooth in ways it's never been (it tends to the bristly, coarse school of thought). I started taking Vitamin D about two months ago. People should really be taking this supplement from birth, according to the nutritionist at my local natural food store. Studies have also shown that women with depleted levels of Vitamin D are more likely to have children with MS. This rad little vitamin improves calcium absorption and improves "cellular" health. These chilly winter days don't see much sunlight, another great source for the "D," so I have taken care of that with this easy-to-swallow gel pill. This is starting to sound like marketing speak. I don't like that. But the "D" is swell and I thought it was worth sharing my admiration.

Image found here.

Say My Name

{"Carrots!"}

A friend reminded me earlier this week that people like to hear and see their names. It's a sign of caring and authenticity, she said. I can agree with that. It feels so wonderfully personal to hear people say your name. It's an affirmation of your identity. To be perfectly honest, I do not like to be called by my last name, which is something that almost all my friends do. I know it's part of the informal style of my generation, but I am not a dude nor am I am in the military.

I love to be called Emily or "Em" or "Emi," any of the small number of derivations will suffice. Somewhere in college (where I encountered and friended A LOT of Emilys), people started calling me "Bowen," "Bow," "Bowie," "Bowdoggy." One of my college crushes always called me this last one which made my heart sink because it meant he just liked me as a pal. Nicknames are fun but there comes a point where it's too much. And I would bet more than half of people don't actually enjoy their nicknames, but put up with them to appease their family and friends.

All of this digression is meant to say that I love my name and I want people to use it. When you write a note, you should say the name of the person in the greeting so that they know you mean these words for them and only them.

Names originate in the neatest places too: a favorite poet (I was named after Emily Dickinson, my mother's favorite), a grandparent or other relative, a character in the novel, or even the name of the person who delivered you. Using your name pays respect to its history and to the people who gave it to you.

So, friends, I am curious about your names: what's their origin? Is there anything special in their meaning that you feel connects to your personality? I would love to hear about the history of your name!

Image found here.

Morningtime

Breakfast. A buttered English muffin topped with fresh blueberries. Sitting alone at a long wooden table, the morning light filtering through the window. An early quiet made possible by still sleeping roommates. Soon there will be a warm wool coat with ruffles, leather gloves lined with cashmere, a fuzzy wool hat, and bags gathered to carry out into the world. A morning commute. I find a single seat away from the bother of flustered strangers. I tuck my second bag between my legs and hug my purse in my lap. Reading Holidays On Ice. A lark that brings an unexpected smile to my face and fades the many bodies that surround me.

How lucky am I to have such safety. Such comfort. A commute free from harm. I do not rise each morning wondering if my subway car will burst into a million tiny fragments of human ignorance. Anger in this first world is as petty as a forgotten mobile phone or the fact that this rotund gentleman stands a little too close to you on the bus. We know so little of true, raw pain. We don't see real anger, the kind of bites and scratches wounds so deep they take generations to heal. We don't know. We don't appreciate. And sometimes, I wonder, if our humanity is not the worse for it.

Bad Plastic

Friends, check your kitchens for all plastics that have a 3, 6, 0r 7 on the bottom and remove them from your home now. We've all heard warnings of BPA and the chemicals found plastics, but this recent column by The New York Times' Nicholas Kristof highlights some real evils and cancer-causing effects of using these plastics, especially heating them in microwaves or dishwashers. Even plastics with other numbers - I am not convinced they are entirely safe. Sometimes I wish that I could purge my home of all the chemicals and toxic objects I know are malignant. Not intending to be an alarmist here, but I have personally experienced some of the negative effects of using bad plastics and would like to prevent as many people as possible from experiencing similar unpleasantness!

Image found here.