Transitions

Today I learned, or rather remembered, that I am no good AT ALL when it comes to transitions. An oddity when my soul has craved change for so long! Today I began a new job and there could not have been a gloomier day - grey, wet, bone-chillingly cold. I arrived at my new office where people seemed scattered and distracted. I won't have my own desk until the company expands to another part of the floor next month.

During a morning meeting, it started to sink in that I was in this new place, with new people who didn't know me from a stranger on the street. I started to feel so lonely. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. Don't you dare cry in your first meeting on your first day of the job. I held it together but I could feel my heart sinking and my mind racing, wondering if I had made the right choice. Is this place just like the one I just left? What am I doing with my life? Then, all I could think of was, I want my mommy. How pathetic? Good gravy.

It seems that when we do really grown-up things we feel most like children. Today reminded me of when I left to study abroad in England - my big dream - for a year. I remember feeling like a small little kitten who just wanted to be curled up on a rug at home instead of saying a teary goodbye to my family and friends at the airport. SO dramatic. I wish I was better at these transitions. My day improved as I learned more about what my writing duties would be - knowledge that energized me. I still feel this slight sense of unease and upheaval - signs, I think, of my humanity and an exercise in my power of will, things that have lain dormant for quite some time.

Image found via Sabino.