Tears, Fears, and Passions (not the soap opera kind)

Yesterday I watched the Six Feet Under series finale, which brought me to tears. In the last 10 minutes of the show, Claire Fisher balls her eyes out as she embraces her family before jetting off to start her new life in NYC. As she whines about not wanting to go, I see myself in the same place: torn between getting out into the world to follow my passions and remaining in a familiar place, close to family and friends. I feel like I am fighting for two things that are somewhat contradictory: the life that I have known and the life that I want.

In her latest post, Emily from wide open spaces mused on two kinds of people: those that crave safety and those that crave meaning. Up until now, I have been a person who chose safety but longed for meaning. But I have never really felt proud of how I have been living my life during these past few years. The comforts of my current lifestyle no longer afford the same value. My intellect lacks the kind of stimulation I so enjoyed during my college years. So I am trying to reverse things to own a life that fulfills the person I wish to be and one that I can proudly share with others. Having a life of meaning requires a constant and conscious effort. And it also means sacrificing certain things that I worked carefully to preserve. Like living in a place where it was always easy to go home or have my parents come visit.

In the end of the show, Claire drives away, though her face is ravaged with tear stains and expressions of a loneliness already felt. I know this is going to be me. And now I want it to be me. This transition to a new life doesn't kill Claire and it won't kill me either. If anything, this decision makes her stronger and better as she moves on.